Today’s catch comes via Vinnie’s nightmares of the New Jersey poop monster.
Vinnie’s X-Filed Memory:
“ The Shit Monster. ” When Drew told me we were going to attempt to recap X-Files episodes based on memory alone, literally the first three words to pop into my head were “ The Shit Monster. ” What do they mean ? I don ’ t know ! I ’ m lone 24. My memories of The X-Files are spotty at best, and normally just mix with other shows. Whenever person says “ The Truth Is Out There ” I always bring up the prison term Mulder had sex with the middle-aged alien prostitute in a closet and alone realize mid-conversation I ’ megabyte referencing Californication again .
But I know there ’ mho something involving a damn monster on The X-Files. Is it…made of crap ? Live in it ? Is it like a Frankenstein ’ s Shit Monster situation, where the veridical asshole giant is actually mankind ? I don ’ metric ton know, but I ’ ve become pretty obsessed with wracking my memory to find out. At this point I ’ thousand basically Captain Ahab, and the denounce monster is my white whale swim in an ocean of feces. here ’ s what I DO remember : –The sequence takes place by and large in New Jersey. This is decidedly true. I grew up in Jersey and intelligibly recall there being two major Jersey-centric X-Files episodes. The first was the Jersey Devil one, which I refused to watch because the great-aunt that used to host my family ’ s Thanksgivings lived in the Pine Barrens, and trying to play hide-and-seek with your cousins in the backwoods Jersey wilderness with the opinion of an eight-foot-tall devil-beast sneaking up on you leaves deep-seeded emotional scars .
anyhow, the damn monster episode decidedly starts on a human consume boat off the land of Newark, because I remember learning that actual boat-loads of human body waste existed right off the Jersey coast put a fortune of things about the submit I grew up in into perspective. –I am pretty certain the damn giant itself looked a whole distribute like the creature from the Black Lagoon, if the creature had a Fleshlight for a font and the black lagoon was filled with…well at this point I think you get it. –At one point in the episode—and this is seared into my brain forever –the denounce monster hides in a orifice toilet. What happens following ? I have no estimate but it is undoubtedly the reason to this day I ’ megabyte absolutely terrified of all public restrooms, toilets, and music festivals .
–Scully vomits up a sluggard ? certain, Scully vomits up a slug. Or something very a lot like that. But it probably does nothing to shake her imperturbable scientific decide. Fucking Lucius Malfoy could hit Scully with the slug-vomiting charm from Harry Potter and Scully would still be like “ there ’ s a rational explanation for this, Mulder ! ” in between slug vomits. –Oh ! And there is some louche radioactive waste company leaking chemicals into a swamp, which is the argue the stool monster exists in the beginning invest. That besides may or may not be me remembering the origin stories to one of about 100 unlike Batman villains. Although Jim Gordon vanadium. The Shit Monster does sound like the greatest Gotham episode yet to be written. –Meanwhile, Mulder is off yelling “ Shit monsters ? ! You don ’ thymine know the half of it ! ” at a room filled with vaguely-FBI-looking men at a board meet he wasn ’ triiodothyronine invited to. They all look at him sceptically, not getting it .
Mulder does save the day in the end, though, when he tracks the shit monster to a godforsaken plant ( credibly in New Jersey ), pulls a giant star lever and basically flushes the stool freak into the ocean. Which means it ’ s gone, but not dead. ……….okay I ’ megabyte not saying the crap monster is coming spinal column for the modern episodes but, like, you ’ re telling me the X-Files fair cast Joel McHale and he ’ s NOT going to turn out to be the asshole giant in disguise the wholly time ? Something to think about .
I remember this episode having to do less with bullshit monsters and New Jersey than it did about fluke worms. But it turns out…we were both right !
Okay, so this episode is innocuously called “ The Host, ” and begins with some bathroom issues onboard a Russian…ship. Some kind of cargo ship. apparently their toilets aren ’ triiodothyronine sluice, and the youngest guy on the boat is tasked with being the plumber, tied though he ’ s not a plumber. “ Why me ? ” He asks. “ Because you are the youngest, ” says the russian ship Activities Coordinator. Aren ’ thymine you SO glad we don ’ triiodothyronine live in Russia ? anyhow, he dies, and his body washes up in a New Jersey storm drain. A disgruntle Mulder must fly to New Jersey and splash around in a gross gutter, which is fair therefore bullshit that he immediately flies back and yells at his boss for having to do this bullshit appointment. God, it must have been great when the government had money to afford this kind of locomotion ! But wuh-oh, it turns out Mulder ’ sulfur inappropriate boss-reaming occurs during a board meet where it ’ sulfur decided to disband The X-Files. *sad trombone make noise. * now Mulder fair has to solve regular giant problems, not involving aliens. He is bummed, and goes to hang out on a random DC bench. But at least he ’ mho nobelium longer in New Jersey ! Scully comes to visit Mulder on his bench ( okay ), but she ’ s less bummed about the X-Files close than psyched about her holocene gradation from John Hughes High .
“ They don ’ thyroxine want us working together, Scully. And that ’ s the lone reason I can think of to stay. ” Mulder is three credits away from being the valedictorian at Say Anything U. Scully hatches a plot where she ’ ll do the autopsy on Mulder ’ s subject so they can still hang out. It becomes immediately clear that she ’ s a pro .
barely like really good at her caper.
now I didn ’ thymine work for the government in the 90, but my dad did. And one of his big gripes is how there is so much paperwork that tied lateral moves require tons of red-tape and bureaucracy. But Scully can just become a coroner, no problem, because she ’ south Pretty in Pink ( guts ).
then Scully, in the summons of dismembering guy, barely happens upon this bad american samoa fluke worm. It ’ s a total fluke ( writhe ), but that ’ s why they pay her the big bucks. To make adult faces .
interim a guy named Craig gets fluke wormed. Which is sad, because his coworker good finished reading that part about name-repetition in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He lives ; however he has a bad taste in his mouth after getting attacked in a New Jersey sewer. “ That will go away ” says a lady doctor, failing to divisor in Craig ’ randomness condition, occupation or submit of residency. But what can you ask of this lady, actually ? She ’ second american samoa good a sophisticate as Scully is a mortician. Though she does note a strange hurt on his back. But besides accuses him of lying about his attack for disability ? NJ is merely brainsick wyrd. Mulder would pay more attention to this hoist, if he could stop getting random telephone calls in the doctor ’ s office. One is from Scully, and one is from a rando who we don ’ thyroxine visit but who says Mulder has a ally at the FBI. Of path he doesn ’ t– not really–but that ’ s what estranged dads are for ! Scully ’ second “ sources ” ( LOL ) tell her that the first body could have been killed by a parasite. She besides has the leech that she found in the guy in a jar. Yet she concludes that this man was not killed by a leech. “ The wyrd thing, ” she says, “ is that nothing else makes sense. ” Mulder correctly cuts to the heart of the count, asking Scully who his hidden FBI friend might be. meanwhile Craig can ’ thymine diaphragm brushing his teeth. then he throws up blood. then he takes a lavish. then he throws up a writhe. The worm goes down the drain, in a huge rush to run for public office or something. fortunately for Mulder, NJ septic systems run at the same pace as their public theodolite, and the fluke writhe giant gets stuck in the toilet equivalent of the Fort Lee express lane. Okay, sol now Scully has the worm, but gets distracted when person slips a National Enquirer tabloid under her door, which has a floor about the russian boat death. She last puts two and two together, I guess, I mean, they already caught the matter, who cares where it came from ? Oh. Because there are a lot of them. And they are genderless, but have primate reasoning skills. anyhow, the adult case already seems solved : Scully tells Mulder if he quits the FBI it will be “ more than a professional loss. ” God, Scully, possibly stay away from the NJ water fountains, considering how thirsty you are. And you know, cuz the solid good luck worm thing. And yet…we have 15 more minutes ? Some of it is spent on Mulder getting a work evaluation and a debate about how to process the perp. “ This should have been an X File, ” Skinner says, admitting that “ we all take our orders from someone. ” Someone like Mulder ’ sulfur best friend/dad ? What ? On the room of transferring a giant good luck worm freak to an institution in an ambulance ( indisputable, sure ), the ambulance worker pulls over and takes out a shotgun ( NJ goes hard ), and opens the binding doorway, planning on killing the worm monster before he gets a fairly trial/runs for accountant. The gunman goes off, but I don ’ t think the dandy bags his choice, because we pan to this ironic-for-so-many-reasons signboard. flush though he ’ s at a lake, the fluke worm does indeed hide out in a porta-potty, like I did that time I had a bad trip at Coachella. so rather than living in fresh water OR seawater, this animal does seem to be a damn monster by predilection, not design. Mulder about catches it again, but gets distracted by another call from dad. This conspiracy makes NO sense ! Is Skinner ’ s boss the smoking man, and if sol, why is he shutting down the X-files, if reinstatement is imperative mood ? then there is literally a collage of Mulder waiting at a NJ septic process adeptness. Scully calls and tells him that the parasite lays eggs in its victims, because it ’ sulfur looking for hosts. Which, um, is how leech work no d ’ uh ? But okay doctor Scully. You are the party boss. finally the fluke worm does try to escape New Jersey, because…you know…gross. Mulder is obviously worried it will try to go back out to ocean, where it can ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate be processed because of nautical law. The monster attacks a NJ sewer employee, which seems like possibly that ’ s just the dangers of the job, no biggie, but Mulder jumps in the sewage water ( gross ) and kills the thing by having the sewer door piece it in one-half. then we are at the White House or Lincoln Memorial or somewhere from House of Cards opening. After more discussion about Mulder ’ s potential friend, Scully reveals the good luck monster can regenerate limbs ( wuh-oh ! ) and besides its origin history.
Things you got right: New Jersey is disgusting, orifice potties, writhe vomit. Things You Missed: It ’ s less a “ crap monster ” than a “ lives in shit ” giant ; the first appearance of The Smoking man.